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    • Oh! waking is a bitter nightmare..when you constantly hang around the fringes of my dreams..

    ..my foundation is crumbling and shattered glass is falling all over sidewalks..

    ..i am collapsing and i am collapsing on myself.. i am shards of glass..and i am the person being wounded by the glass..

    ..there is a certain beautiful honesty about depression..

    ..will Candy and honey not ..sweeten the Bitter acrimony of life? ..if truth indeed be a fallacy, then should reality not be a lie?

    Truth is like water. A little of it quenches your thirst Too much of it..and you drown.

    Saturday, July 30, 2005

    I love kao-bei-ing. About every damn thing.


    And i must be the world's suay-est person. Everything bad and unlucky always seems to hang upon my head like the sword of damocles. Ready to fall upon my lap. Ready to slice me into half.

    And it seems like i have heard almost every lame excuse in the world.
    And i hate it so much when pple keep playing me out last min. i mean it dosent happen jus once, not even twice..but it keeps happening all the time.

    Something is seriously wrong here.

    I mean even if u were going to play me out, u cld at least let me noe 12 hrs in advance, not at 12am when we r supposed to be bloody meeting at 7am. u cld at least let me have known at 7pm...i mean Im OKAY with this shit occasionally..but AT LEAST have the courtesy to tell me just a little before hand. Not just a few hours before the event itself.

    It is so annoying
    And i have heard every almost lame damn excuse in the book. ( i mean these are situations which u dont just REALISE 2 hrs before meeting someone rite?) At least be abit responsible abt a commitment u made to the other person lor. Its just not fair at all.

    1) I sprained my ankle..and i walk very funny now...so i can't go out. ( donald duck walks funny too, but hey..he's a TV star now isn't he?)
    2) I am sending my aunty to the chinese doctor. ( why not western?)
    3) I suddenly realised i have a wedding dinner to attend. ( like u can ever suddenly forget such a thing, you might as well leave your head, or ur brains somewhere and forget to bring it along with u later..)
    4) I had a headache two days ago..and its been going on for the past two days, but somehow i forgot that i have been having a headache for the past two days, and now, few hrs before ur meeting, i suddenly remember. ( you can see me regarding this problem. I'll make sure you have a headache u will remember for life. And i'll make it permanent.)
    5) I wanna meet my boyfren. ( i wanna meet him too so i can kill him.)
    6) I broke up with my bf 4 days ago...but now suddenly 4 days later, its 3am and im suddenly sad again coz he didnt return my call, so i can't go out in the morning. ( i suggest immediate euthanasia.)

    Gosh..and a proliferation of other quotable ( or not quite) quotes. i really hate it when pple do this lor. Its really not showing any ounce of respect to the other party nor responsibility.

    In the first place..don't agree. You won't have to wreck ur brains thinking up of lame excuses anyway. ( u can save brain cells on something more useful)

    I feel completely guilty towards Mark and Jeremy too.
    I mean, i think i have treated them both quite badly..and it makes me feel awful. For that, i feel like i owe Mark one. Means the only way i can ever hope to repay him is by finding him a nice gal...that will suit wwill suit him. I feel like a mamasan. Give me 3 years and i can already start charging for lessons)


    Oh well.i shld keep a file and a "data base" .

    dawn fairy on the moon at 7/30/2005
    Tuesday, July 19, 2005

    Its Student Mentorship Camp tmr and im pretty excited! haha..
    New things to learn, new experiences..etc.

    Its really quite amusing. Kenneth told me the sad story abt his love life today.I honestly think hes not a bad catch la..future doctor and stuffs..hahaa.. :) And his taste in girls is well, hmmm..not for me to comment. But now he's gonna go Uk i think he's probably gonna become super hip and happening! He will come back a few years later, no longer the shy Kenneth i knew in Jc, but the happening, havoc buaya king kenneth ( i think)

    Kenneth says im his confidante, so i actually feel quite honoured.. that i get to noe all the dirt abt him :) He admitted that there was actually chemistry between us in JC (initially..before he knew me well) and he had certain feelings..) but he said as he got to know me better, i became more like a brudder, a buddy-buddy sort of confidante. Its quite tragic. I think most of the guys in my life r like that. Im destined to be the Buddy-buddy sort. Haha. He said all those afternoons, we spent in the hall chatting and etc, made him realise i was more like brudder material. Its sad. guys don't think of me in the romantic sort of way. haha :) Well, i dunno whether to be pleased or worried :)

    alrite, i can't pack now for camp since my house has conveniently blacked out, so i will just have to sleep, and wait for the dawn to come, for the morning light to come, so i will at least have a little clarity of vision, so i can pack.

    sigh.

    dawn fairy on the moon at 7/19/2005
    Monday, July 18, 2005

    Wish you could see me now.
    But i walk through walls,
    float across corridors
    Staring at a reflectionless mirror

    And i fade into space
    like time.
    Explode into pieces
    Like a comet falling from the sky.
    Burst into flame
    like the shooting stars
    As thin as air,
    Ethereal, diaphanous, intangible
    as insubstantial and tenuous as dust.
    Pale away
    No more than the vague rememberance of
    a late July day.

    Memories slain by time
    Heartless hands that sweep incessantly.
    Static Silence
    Erupts into tenacious echoes.
    The night intransigent,
    an inexhorable flood of emotions.
    Overwhelming.
    Obdurate.
    Imperturbable
    So the chronic silence.
    Vindictive, like a slow and steady disease.
    Unyielding.

    Like a Vacuum
    Devoid.
    Nothing more then a vapid dream from
    yesteryear.

    dawn fairy on the moon at 7/18/2005

    Mark thinks u-noe-who/jerk number one looks exactly like spongebob squarepants. the first time he met him at HMV , he said the only lasting impression he had of him was that he looked like a square, face and body ..and everything.

    And Mark tells me Ideserve much better. But sometimes i can't help but wonder what wld have happened if i wasn't so "heart-less". Sometimes I'd just have to think less with my head, and more with my heart. Sometimes maybe if i just listened to my heart, things won't seem so bad. Rather then to keep tinking so much. To keep rationalizing. To keep wondering if it was logical or not. Sometimes its good to stop thinking so much..to just stop. To just simply listen to your heart. To just simply feel.


    its not so complicated. i only like to make things seem that way.

    And i like Mark sometimes too coz we keep bitching ( or rather HE) abt a certain someone, and it makes me feel better..haha but deep inside, i just can't help but to wonder. It's so silly isn't it? me and my defenses..the way i keep wanting to potray myself as some emotionless, heartless Estella-like figure, when all i am is just weak and vulnerable inside.

    And it makes me feel good..to "condemn" him for a while. I dunno. It just feels good. But its a temporial high.

    Im gonna see him next sem. And its gona be like how awkward. I dunno man. The last time we went out it was like how awkward. the only thing i cld tell him was how bad his hair looked, and how he needed a haircut urgently. Goodness. Me and my big mouth.And its so weird. Especially if we are gonna be classmates. Which we are. Gosh. I dunno..im so confused. It should never have started ever.


    i need time.

    dawn fairy on the moon at 7/18/2005
    Sunday, July 17, 2005

    Your Suicide by jannamaxwell
    Username?
    Age?
    Date of suicide:January 28, 2023
    How you will kill yourself:Slit your wrists.
    What your suicide note will say:See you all in Hell!
    Who will find the body:An Asian man who sells your only slightly decomposed organs on the black market.
    Quiz created with MemeGen!

    dawn fairy on the moon at 7/17/2005

    Your Suicide by jannamaxwell
    Username?
    Age?
    Date of suicide:January 28, 2023
    How you will kill yourself:Slit your wrists.
    What your suicide note will say:See you all in Hell!
    Who will find the body:An Asian man who sells your only slightly decomposed organs on the black market.
    Quiz created with MemeGen!

    dawn fairy on the moon at 7/17/2005

    Your Suicide.. by Konstantine
    Your Name/Username
    Favorite Number?
    Favorite Color?
    Gender?
    How will you commit suicide?Pills + Alcohol (fun!)
    How many tries will it take?100
    When will you commit suicide?October 4, 2008
    What will your suicide note say?The munchkins made me do it!
    Quiz created with MemeGen!

    dawn fairy on the moon at 7/17/2005

    Your Expression Number is 4
    Practical and down to earth - everything in your life is organized.You are a great writer and teacher. You never forget a detail.Very patient, you have the ability to cultivate talents in difficult fields.
    You also tend to have an artistic side. You'd make a great architect or classical musician.You face your responsibilities with a positive attitude - and you always get things done.You are serious, sincere, honest, and faithful.
    Sometimes your strong sense of responsibility leads to frustration.You also tend to develop strong likes and dislikes, which border on dogmatism.At you're worst, you can be a dominant disciplinarian.

    dawn fairy on the moon at 7/17/2005

    It was raining heavily last Tuesday when i was at the childcare.

    There was lightning and thunder.
    At the sound of a sudden clap of thunder, this little gal named Trinity (4 years old) suddenly grabbed the hand of the boy (Linus) sitting next to her and started hugging him, and refusing to let go. And he reciprocated, as if trying to protect her. it was dead sweet. i am constantly amazed by the innocence of these little kids :)

    Daniel and Smrithy, both 4, were playing, when suddenly Daniel saw her underwear and pointed out, :" Hey lookie! i can see ur underwear!" And then Smrithy was smiling as Daniel tried to reach out to grab her underpants. I didn't know whether to faint and laugh in amusement. But these cutes are just so innocent and cute.

    My duties include cleaning up after kiddie pee and poop, and bringing poor untoilet-trained kids to the toilet to clean up after they have made puddles on the floor . :) Never in my life would i think of myself doing such a job. NEVER in anyone's mind of imagination wld they have thought of me as a suitable candidate for the job. But what's even MORE aamzing is i actually like it pretty much :)

    We watched Mindhunters today. It was a pretty good show, though at some point of time in the show, i was yelping like a stupid fool in the cinema. We played pool..which i swear i will practice until i get BETTER, and then i just came back from supper at Newton. I am getting very round, thanks to the constant late night suppers, and binging, and junkfood overload. Yes, of course, not forgetting the severe lack of exercise.

    Oh. But he was really quite sweet today. I never thought i wld be able to get along with him. It amazing we managed to exchange a few civil words, and even hold a fairly decent conversation, which is a FAR improvement from the usual suaning. :)

    dawn fairy on the moon at 7/17/2005
    Sunday, July 10, 2005

    Tabula (the band) is really good. the lead singer is Gorgeous and has a wonderful voice. He is so mesmirizing. And he is 100 percent ( make it 101 percent eye candy) He aint particularly good looking, but man, he really has style, the x-factor and oozes raw appeal :) Me and Joni were practicallyt salivating over him, and drinking in his divine-ness with out eyes. To be exact, as Kit puts it, we were practically "eating" him up with our eyes. But that's eye candy for u. yummy, tasty and untouchable. We are going back next friday to Penny Black coz the band is playing there. We can all be his groupies ( we were acting like that) But he is without a doubt, a really fine performer, and Oh-so-cute! goodness, im smitten.

    I just came back from Vcf camp yesterday. it wasn't bad. The theme of the camp was "love compels". For one of those very very very rare instances in time, i actually found the sermons pretty meaningful, and managed to keep awake which is a tough feat for me! :P But the sermons were good, and almost inspiring. After hearing all the others share, and the sermons, i felt almost very guilty abt the evil thoughts me and Kit were harbouring abt u-noe-who ( miss corporate herself) And i actually felt i should be less evil. When everyone was sharing, it reminded me about last week, when me and kit were watching "the exorcist", and there was this scene where the priest was waving the cruxifix in front of the possessed boy, in an attempt to drive the demon out of the boy's body. And i am very ashamed to say, immediately, only one person came to mind when i saw that scene. Me and kit were BOTH, SIMULTANEOUSLY thinking about the same person, the one and only. And we were both joking about how we should take the cruxifix and wave it in front of her vigorously, coz that was exactly what she needed. On hindsight, that was quite an evil thing to say.

    However, yesterday really set into perspective alot of things. It had me thinking. I realise i am not even pissed at miss corporate, and neither do i hate or detest her, despite all her supreme horridness to me, and everyone else around her. Despite her destructive tendencies, i don't hate her. I actually feel sorry for her. Though J and Kit told me alot of things about her, and there are times when she really really, can be extremely mean, but i really can't understand why she wld want to do such things. So it cruel, and she dosen't realise that she is driving all her friends away from her. She thinks everyone loves her, when the truth is most pple don't, and most pple fear her. And its very sad, and i feel more sorry for her, because she can never feel the true joys of love and frendship, because the truth be, is she has none to give.

    I felt very bad that Kit and J, had to listen to me yesterday, and everything else.But i am glad they were really frank and honest with me about everything. And truth be, Miss corporate dosent affect me at all. Why? She may be insecure. She may think i am a threat. She may be jealous of me. Then its no longer my fault. I haven't even touched a hair on that girl.

    So she keeps fabricating stories and lies abt her popularity, but that dosent affect me. it dosent make me like, or dislike her anymore. It just makes me wonder why she has to do such things to prove herself. And it made me realise despite all the arrogance, complacency, and superiority, deep down inside she's just insecure. She puts others down to make herself feel good. And yes, maybe if i was 16, i wld probably believe her, I wld probably feel bad abt myself. But now at 21, years later..strangely i don't even feel anything at all. Nothing.

    And i know J and Kit were disgusted with her. But honestly, i almost feel nothing. But just sadness. But its not sympathy for myself. But for her. Im sad because while everyone grew up, she remained in neverland, and never ever grew beyond that. While everyone woke up an adult, she woke up in neverland, only to find herself, in the shadows of Peter Pan. If i was 16, i wld prob detest her, but strangely now, i truly don't. because if its all lies, there's nothing for me to detest, because at the end of the day, her own ambition will consume her slowly but surely, the way flames lick hungrily at pieces of brittle paper.

    I had SMP training today, which was good. Looking forward for the camp :) Pple were nice.. etc.

    Geraldine's Bdae party today. Special gal, Special fren, a rare gem to alwaes treasure. one of the few frends i hardly see now, and hardly ever meet up or talk to, but will always be fondly held in my heart

    Pool with Davy, and fren. I need more practice or ill be trashed rotten! hahaha. I have to STOP being so gossipy...

    And i realised my threshold for nonsense is pretty high after all ..

    And my camp grp is pretty nice. The pple are quite fun and pretty Ons. We were like a mad bunch of fools running amok around the engine block from one end to another just looking for lame clues. I hate the engine building. Engineers are suppposed to be systematic and organised, but the engine building is More complicated then a chinese puzzel, and more complex then a rubix cube.And it is anything but organised. There is NO SYSTEMATIC numbering system. How anyone finds their way arnd, remains a deep dark mystery. if i was in the Engine Fac for two weeks, i wld easily lose all the weight i put on. After climbing all those stairs..and hunting for the classrooms.. We had HUGE PIZZA and CARBONARA at Al Dente for lunch yesterday which was only 10 bux a plate and was absolutely Tres Bien. im cuming back for more...

    dawn fairy on the moon at 7/10/2005